Learn to Lose and Learn to Grieve

November 23, 2012, my world came crashing down.  That's what I felt when I lost my beautiful girl to colic.  For those of you that don't know, colic in horses is extreme abdominal pain caused by intestinal gas or obstruction in the intestines.  It is preventable, but there really is no warning for it.  I was away over the weekend of November 16-17.  Sunday morning I was woken up by a call from our barn saying Bailey was colicking.  I automatically assumed the worst.  For a while we thought she was okay and just needed to drink enough to get things moving again, but after hours of her constantly trying to roll, we took her to a clinic a few hours away.  The vet took ultra sounds and none the less, her surgery began.

Most horses that colic don't colic severely enough to need surgery.  And for those that do, there's a decent chance for full recovery.  Bailey's case wasn't that easy.  Her small intestine was caught between her liver and a blood vessel, and had to be ever so carefully pulled through the tiny slit.  The vet found one small 4 inch section of intestine that remained pinched after being freed from the "trap", and feared that he would have to do a resection of the small intestine.  He decided against it because it was one more complication to an already excruciatingly long surgery.

That was on Sunday November 18.  On Friday November 23 at 9:40 pm my beautiful Bailey left me for heaven.  She needed another surgery to have a chance to live, but survival rates after a second colic surgery are slim.  I  couldn't put her through anymore.  She was tired, and she was done.  It was all I could do for her, and it killed me.  I never thought something like this would take her away from me.

I remember reading the message.  "We tried to keep her going as long as we could.  She was a special girl".  I screamed I cried.  I was so angry.  I still am.  I miss you baby, my Soul Sister

So here we go...

As I said in my last post . . . exactly one year ago, I PROMISE I won't go a-wall again.  Let's see if it lasts this time huh? Well, here I am.  One year later, one year older, one year wiser ;) oh if only.  But I have grown a lot since I last blogged to my immense 2 person audience.  I've learned to love, I've lost and learned to grieve.  I've had many firsts and many lasts.  But here I am . . . nearly completed with my sophomore year of High School.  I'm ready to take on the summer as a girl in love.  A girl who can finally drive.  A girl with a purpose for once in her life.  Here we go...

First of the matter

First on my many reason as to why I've been MIA begins at the closure of my school year.  I ended my freshman year as any 15 year old girl would wish to.  Getting my learners' permit, making honor role, getting an award for my starring role in the musical, and finally feeling like I belong at the elite collegiate school that I now attended.  I finally had the life I've always wanted.  I wasn't a nobody anymore.  I had friends, enough to feed my ever growing need to belong.  I had one best friend that I knew I could trust with my life.  I had one crush that one day was flirting right back, and the next ignoring me.  I had one great guy friend. I had my first ever stage kiss.  I had my wonderful horse that was all mine that I could have forever.  And I even spent my final day of freshman year lying on the beach with two of my best friends :) Summer was gonna be a piece of cake! Right?

Back from planet Mars

So here I am..after 3 months of being A-wall.  Sorry I guess? I've had a lot going on.  Keep up with the next few posts to know what.

My Greatest Apologies...kinda

So I feel really bad that I haven't blogged in over 2 months...what can I say? I've been realllllly busy.  The first matter was Cabaret.  For chorus we put on a 2 night performance of a whole mix of genres of music, from motown to country to current artists in the news.  I sang a solo, Stand By Me and a duet with Korey, All About Us.  I also did a country duet with my friend Keeley, Leave the Pieces.  I've never sung a solo on stage before, or a duet so it was so exciting, and nerve racking!  But I had to prepare because tomorrow night is opening night for "Hairspray" and I'm Amber Vontussle!  We've spent the last 2 months preparing and rehearsing everyday, sometimes 3 times a day, and on weekends to make this musical outstanding.  Today was our final dress rehearsal, and I think it went really well!  For me, my dance numbers went perfect, I sang my best, my on stage kiss worked out perfectly, and I didn't forget my lines...so two thumbs up! More later, I'll post pictures and videos soon!

Awkward Family Reunions

Don't tell me it's not awkward when you go to a family gathering, and don't even know half of your family...sure it was my 3rd cousin's bar mitzvah, so I don't' see them often...or at all.  But I had never met him, or if I had I must have been reallllllly young.  I didn't even know some of my family members there...one of them asked what university I went to...I'm 15

Getting Better all the TIme

Wow, it's been a crazy few days for me.  I've learned a lot about a really important person in my life, and I've learned a lot about myself.  I told them things that I've never told anyone before, and I feel so much better.  I finally have someone who promised to always be there for me, and who promised to help me when things are bad.  I've learned that no matter what it feels like now, it's getting better all the time <3